Chubs and chub lovers of the world rejoice! The WWE has decided that it is time for the more ample fellas in the world to get some shine and has decided that Team Chunk 6th man of the Year, Kevin Owens was not enough of a sign of solidarity by being WWE Universal Champion on Raw. Oh no, to make husky fellas all over even more cheery, WWE decided to shock the world and give the World Title to that pugnaciously portly pepperpot Bray Wyatt at this past weekend’s Elimination Chamber PPV. WWE as a company is now the Big & Tall men’s department store of pro wrestling.
Bray Is The Boss
I make fun of Bray sometimes but in all honestly the guy deserves to be champion. He has the best true gimmick of anyone on Smackdown, he is a good wrestler, he can work a mic and he has probably the best entrance in the whole of WWE. And his solo promo chock full of Wyatt-isms and backwater revival preacher style ramblings was cool and just short enough to not lose any of its punch. Of course giving him this belt when The Wyatt Family is in shambles seems like odd timing but it is what it is. Even the arrival of John Cena with his annoying Cena personality levels turned up to 100, didn’t diminish Bray as the new champ which is new and different for Bray since every time he has been at the precipice of going to the next level he gets booked to look like a bum. Maybe it was AJ Styles showing up and being the little ray of self-absorbed sunshine we all know and love. Anyway this all resulted in Daniel Bryan coming out and approving a 3-Way match for Bray’s world title…yay Authority figures!
And the match between these 3 guys was super fun (even if Cena seemed a step or 2 behind AJ and Bray). Luke Harper beat bray up before the match; AJ elevated everyone else’s game just by virtue of his presence and Bray, scoring the clean pin on Cena, got to look like the strong champion he needs to be if he is going to be headlining Wrestlemania against Randy Orton. I still think the whole Orton joins the Wyatt Family storyline has been mishandled from start to finish except for Luke Harper’s turn but I can understand why the idea of Orton vs Bray for the world title is more appealing than those two just having a grudge match.
But that Orton/Wyatt confrontation at the end really didn’t do much for me so WWE’s writers need to start brainstorming on how to make this a bit more interesting on Orton’s end cause brainwashed cult member aint cutting it. Right now Bray vs Luke Harper is a much more intriguing match-up.
People Are Actually Caring About The Steiner Step-Brothers
Another thing Smackdown is doing right is making the tag titles matter again after pretty much not caring about the belts or the team that held them in American Alpha. Treating American Alpha like nobodies despite their being champs was one of the biggest sins on this show but things are moving in the right direction. Sure, it meant having to suffer through watching Alpha vs the Dollar Tree Demolition, The Ascension but you gotta take the good with the bad. Nope what made this segment enjoyable is that it set up the American Alphas vs Usos feud we have been waiting for but haven’t been to able to get due to injuries on both sides. Now that everyone is healthy I am expecting some really fun tag team title matches in the near future because the hood version of the Usos are so much better than the happy smiling day-glo version used to be.
Baron Corbin Is The Hero We Didn’t Know We Needed
Bum Ass Dean Ambrose™ was being awful like usual and making a nuisance of himself all over the arena looking for Baron Corbin which lead to him getting Daniel Bryan to make a match for Ambrose against James Ellsworth, which is a special type of terrible that no one should be forced to suffer through, after Carmella dropped some hard truths on Ambrose by calling him a “gas station attendant” among other hilarious and true things.
Luckily our new hero Baron Corbin realized that nobody wanted to watch an Ellsworth/Ambrose match and jumped Dean before he got to the ring and slammed him through a bunch of tables/equipment (complete with super lame sparks to symbolize who the hell knows). I salute you, Mr. Corbin.
Back In My Day We Respected Our Elders
Mickie James has now made it perfectly clear why she has issues with Becky Lynch…she thinks this new era of women’s wrestler’s don’t have the proper levels of respect and reverence for the ladies that paved the way for them. And as far as motivations go in wrestling it is a really solid one. Plus it helps that James is good at playing the aggrieved role and working with a veteran of James’ caliber can only make the new ladies that much better in the ring.
Speaking of wrestlers who really deserved their first world title…Naomi became women’s champ at the same PPV Bray won his world title! Naomi has been lost in the shuffle of the women’s division for too long despite being a fan favorite who really was able to transfer her athleticism into pretty decent wrestling skills through a lot of hard work. She reminds me of Trish Stratus in the way she transformed herself from a non-wrestling role. And she and Alexa Bliss make for an entertaining rivalry with Bliss playing the mean girl role to a “T”. My only criticism is that I need Naomi to get better with her promos
Still Not Caring, Ladies
I still don’t care about this Nikki vs Natalya feud. It has been going on too long and every week is the same sloppy catfight in the backstage area after a few minutes of awkward trash talk. Nikki even brought up the Survivor Series ladies match from last year for some reason and then seemed to have a mild stroke where she couldn’t find her words. The transcript of Nikki’s mid-stroke dialog: “Yes..ummmm…uh..what? No! Yes!”
That might have been the highlight of this entire stupid feud.
Still Not Caring 2: Electric Boogaloo
Dolph Ziggler is still playing the most awkward heel ever and he is still in a feud with non-entities Kallisto and Apollo Crews. But Dolph has also decided he hates all of the young wrestlers who think they can take his spot on Smackdown’s roster. Is Dolph even old enough to be playing the butthurt vet with a mad on for the new kids? I guess its better than whatever lame reason Dolph used to become a heel in the first place but the fact it is a carbon copy of Mickie James’ motivation to be mad at Becky Lynch shows how lazy Smackdown’s Creative team can get. Maybe all of this uncertainty with his storyline is a sign that Creative will realize nobody is here for heel Dolph Ziggler and just make him a fan favorite again.
Bum Ass Dean Ambrose™
That flop bit of special effects that WWE tried to do with Bum Ass Dean Ambrose™ made me think back to the last time they tried to use electrical effects in an Ambrose angle and he ended up looking like an idiot.